“I am worthy of my happiness”
Enter guilt: the destroyer of happiness, the dark cloud that taints your joy, the cup of water spilt over a wet painting -- smearing your beautiful picture of life into confusion.
From a young age I was a people pleaser. I would ignore my own needs, wants and wishes if they seemed to make anyone else uncomfortable or upset. I can recall a memory of being visibility upset the night before my mom was going to be gone the next day to work. I hated it when she left; I didn’t like change. I could never understand why she had to go to work. Mostly, I probably didn’t like the fact my older siblings were in charge. After expressing to my dad why I was upset, I remember hearing them having a discussion while I was laying in bed. I remember feeling the tension, even though I couldn’t really hear what they were saying. I automatically assumed it was about the fact I didn’t want mom to go to work. I assumed my parents were having a disagreement, and I was the reason. Since that time, I tried my hardest to show that I was happy, even in moments I wasn’t. I didn’t want to cause issues between my parents. I could suck it up for their sake.
That memory was never one to haunt me, but it was never a pleasant one. Now, as an adult trying to understand my emotions, I can look back and see that is when things changed in my own mind. I didn’t want people to hurt because of me. I never really assessed it, or addressed it. I didn’t talk to my parents about it until very recently. And like most things a child remembers, it was skewed, not factual, and I was really only remembering the emotions felt.
Recently, I have really started to work on my own personal growth. Taking charge of my mental state, and trying to really step into my whole being. I want to shine like the sun. I do not want to be held back; I want to be exactly who God intends me to be. I have things to offer the world, and I am done letting my negative inner voice hold me back. I want to radiate happiness, joy, confidence and compassion. However, this is no easy feat. My inner voice is constantly nagging me, causing endless doubt. “What do you have to offer, really?” “What if people laugh at you?” “You really think people want to hear what you have to say?” “You have way too much on the go right now. Maybe wait another few years.” “You should just be content with who you are, where you are. Why do you need more?”
It has taken a while to really hear what my inner voice has been telling me. I could easily block it out, but the feeling it leaves behind would taint my beliefs. I would give in to the feelings of inadequacy, fear, guilt, worthlessness. I would let them stop any growth and let my ego keep me in what it considered a safe space. Then I started to learn I could actually take control of my ego -- my negative inner voice -- that was causing all this self doubt and ruining my self love. I learned about a method of meditation along with affirmations which is accompanied with specific essential oils to really tap deep into my heart space. It allowed me to truly open my heart as to why I was having such negative feelings. When I understood why, I could then start to let them go, to truly let it dissolve. Now, back to my memory I mentioned previously -- I was able to step outside of that memory and truly realize I was an innocent. I did exactly as I should have. I was sad, and I opened up and expressed why. The effect of what happened after was not my weight to bear. I could feel at that moment of time the reality as my mom needed that income to help us kids with the expense of our horse hobbies. As long as I've known this, the wrong feeling of guilt still haunted me. For all I know, my parents weren’t even discussing me; it could have been a completely different topic. I feel like I can now let it go. I can start to move on from the guilt I carried for so long as a young child. I can look at the situation and see I was never meant to be hurt; I was never meant to feel like a burden. Being a child, I let my wild imagination take me down a rabbit hole that has affected me into adulthood. But not anymore. I’m changing my emotional pathways. I am creating new ways of thinking. I am literally rewiring my brain. Our sense of smell is the only sense that has access to the emotional centre of our brain: the amygdala. That is why the oils make this technique so beneficial, and more effective. Essential oils also cross the blood brain barrier -- allowing for real change to take place.
I did this method of meditation, affirmations and oils last night, and this morning I woke up feeling much different. My body felt lighter, I felt happier, my brain less chaotic. I am so thankful I will be able to continue repeating this process; working through the layers of emotions buried deep inside. I am so excited to have the ability to help myself become a better, more complete human, to really step into my entire brightness that I am meant to share with the world.
I encourage you, that if you feel like you are ready to step into yourself, to dig deep and start letting go of the past, that you are ready to step into who you are meant to be. Don’t hesitate. Don’t let that inner voice, your ego, keep you small. Don’t let your ego keep you where it thinks you are safe. Don't witness another sunset before committing. Be brave. I’m right here with you, in the trenches of changing my world. We can walk with each other, support and encourage one another.
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